Thursday, September 13, 2007

That's it ... I'm done!

I learned this morning that weighing with my clothes on can really add pounds to the scale. I used to weigh all the time with my clothes on & it wouldn't make a difference. But as the pounds have crept on & my clothes have been given more material ... it now adds to 2 pounds. I was shocked to say the least. I was heart broken to see myself in the 200's this morning ... 201 to be exact. Yes, TOM is here & playing holy hell with my weight and my head. My emotions are screwy & I feel like I could have a serious melt down at any moment.

Seeing myself in the 200's brought me back to Hawaii when I looked in the mirror and honest to God didn't know who was looking back. The person I was seemed to have disapeared. I can't ... I won't ever go back to that place again. I stripped to bra & panties (probably a half pound right there) & grabbed my camera. I almost barfed!!! I looked like one of the ladies on Biggest Loser ... that's when it hit me. OH HELL NO ... this is not the life I want for myself or my kids. I don't care what it takes to lose this weight but come hell or high water it's coming off of me.

I'm not going to share the photo with you but I did make a motivation board with the front & side view of myself on it. (it's on my dresser where I can see my disgusting body as I exercise) I added small articles from my WW magazine & will continue to do so as I find a good one. A month from now I will take another front & side view & place it next to the other photos to show myself the progress. Once I make it to 150 I will think about posting all photos. It's just to much for me to share right now.

My goals?

Jeans: Now 16 ... Goal 9/10

Bra: Now 40D ... Goal 36C

Shirt: Now XL (16/18) ... Goal Medium (9/10)

I bought a pair of shoes this weekend ... I've always been a size 8 ... my feet are to fat to wear them comfortably. I want to wear my shoes. I'm noticing that even my tennis shoes are feeling really tight. If I wear them to workout I can feel the circulation being cut off by the end of the workout. How did I let myself get here? I honestly don't know. It's not like I don't exercise cause I do. No less than 4 times a week!!! It's got to be my food. Sparkpeople has me at 1500-1800 calories & I have always said it's got to be to much for my body cause I can never lose weight if I eat more than 1500 so I'm gonna be dropping it down this week & upping my cardio. Water isn't a problem for me so I'm not worried about that part either. As for my birthday on the 25th ... I'm telling hubby I don't want to go out to eat & if he brings a cake home then I'll be going to jail cause I'll slit his throat!

How to know when your DH loves you & is afraid to say your to fat? Last night I was laying in bed having myself a good ole pity party ... minus the cookies & milk that I really wanted. DH comes in to see if I'm ok. I hid the tears ... anyway I tell him that my weight is really bothering me & that I know TOM has brought the gain. He says well it can't be that bad. I said baby ... I went from 197 on Monday to 201 today. 4 pounds in 3 days. The look on his face was all I needed to see ... I swear if he would have been a cartoon character his eyes would have popped out of his head. I told him that & he said he was sorry & wished there was something he could do. I don't guess there really is anything anyone can do for a fat person but listen to them & help them see their not alone. The only problem with that is ... he isn't fat. Never has been & probably never will be. Besides my online weight loss buddies ... I'm on my own.

Food for today ...

Cal Fiber Fat Carbs Prtn
Regular Coffee, 4 cup (8 fl oz) 9 0 0 0 1
Cream substitute, Coffee-mate fat free, 2 tbsp 20 0 0 4 0
Banana, fresh, 1 medium (7" to 7-7/8" long) 109 3 1 28 1
SLIM FAST, Chocolate Royale, 1 serving 220 5 3 40 10
Meal Totals 358 8 4 72 12
Slim Fast French Vanilla, 1 serving 220 5 3 40 10
Apples, fresh, 1 small (2-1/2" dia) (approx 4 per lb) 63 3 0 16 0
Meal Totals 283 8 3 56 10
Vegetable Beef Soup, 3 cup 474 12 11 61 34
Meal Totals 474 12 11 61 34
Banana, fresh, 1 medium (7" to 7-7/8" long) 109 3 1 28 1
Popcorn, air-popped, 4 cup 122 5 1 25 4
Vegetable Juice Cocktail (V8), 1 cup 46 2 0 11 2
Meal Totals 277 10 2 64 7
Daily Totals 1,392 37 20 252 63
Daily Goal 1500 - 1800 25 - 35 30 - 50 251 - 362 60 - 195

Exercise for today:

48 min fast walk (4 miles)

30 min latin dance video



1-flaxseed oil

1-fish oil

If I don't start losing weight then I'm calling the doctor ... not a military one & say I want and need some help NOW!!!


  1. Emmi, I will always be here to offer you support, Hang in there, Hugs Lisa

  2. Sorry you're feeling bad today. I know you're in a rough spot right now, but just stay positive, and stick to a routine... even if that means getting stricter on yourself. I have to... starting now! You're entries are always motivation in some way and it helps me follow through with my own goals... even if its something small! I know you do a lot of workout videos, but a while back I was taking an aerobics class... just for fun, and the instructor said that if you're doing the same exercises all the time your body sort of becomes immune to it... He said, if you start slow and add weights to the video workout, you'll see pounds drop. So I've taken his advice... I've been walking on the treadmill lately and it's ok, then i added 5 pound weight in each hand, and when I got on the scale the next day I saw that 192! Maybe you could look into wrist or ankle weights, the ones that velcrow around... just a thought. It'll get better! I'm here to help support you!

  3. Awww.. don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like I feel. I need to get as motivated as you are. Hope you're feeling better soon.
    Take care, Chrissie

  4. Emmi girl.... I feel your pain.  I know exactly what you are going through.  Just last month I hit my all time high of 186.5  NOTHING fit me, I was so discusted and just wanted to hide under the covers until I felt better.  My turning point was **OMG, I AM LESS THAN 15 LBS FROM BEING 200 *** No more!!! This was my *NO WAY MOMENT*.  So I know what you are going through. The only way to handle this is ONE DAY AT A TIME.  Trust me... it works.  Just think about today and what you can improve and don't think about yesterday or tomorrow.  I am down to 169.6 as of today.  It can be done...just stick with it.  
    BTW... I am the ONLY fatty in my house.  Donna and the kids can eat anything they want...